awwwww, freak out!

(apologies to Chic)

I can definitely tell I'm not on the pill this month (long story short: I'm forgetful and the SU pharmacy really sucks). I'm way more prone to spacey-ness and crying jags when I'm tired these days. Like Monday, I had a mini-meltdown during one of my chem lab TA's office hours. I was already in a bad mood, hadn't had enough coffee yet, had already spent an hour of chem lecture on the verge of tears because I didn't understand a single thing the professor was saying, and then I didn't know how to draw the structures of 2-methyl-2-butanol and 3-methyl-3-pentanol, and if she'd just told me the damn answer already, I'd have been fine. But she was all like, you try drawing them first. And I was like, if I had any clue how to do that, I wouldn't be here asking for help; and then, despite my best efforts, I burst into tears. I was just feeling so bad to begin with, for a bunch of tiny, stupid reasons all put together which I just couldn't let go of right then - I just couldn't put up with the time-wasting bullshit on top of all that. Don't make me try to think it out for myself; if I had even half an idea what I was doing, I wouldn't have to come to your office hours. Just "I don't know - tell me the damn answer already," y'know?

It wouldn't have been such a big deal if one of the other chem lab TAs hadn't walked by just then, and insisted that he'd take me and work with me by myself. Like, OK, first of all, way to make me feel like even more of a freak. Second of all, this is the TA whom I've stopped going to see during his office hours because he cannot explain things in a way I can understand them. He's physically incapable of doing it - one time, he gave up and called the third chem lab TA (the only one, I might add, who's a native English speaker) on his cell phone and handed the phone over to me so I could have that guy explain things. So I was just like, great, I'm having problems understanding things, so I'm being sent off with the TA who is the worst at helping me get it. Peachy. So I got to spend however long listening to him explain in great detail the parts of the questions that I already understood while usually glossing over the parts that make no sense to me (which was the reason I stopped going to see him in the first place). And I got to waste his time, too, because he had his own work that he wasn't doing while he was "helping" me.

And the worst part was, the whole time he was like, "you're smart, you can do this, you understand this..." I know he meant to be supportive and whatever, but a) he's wrong, and b) it just comes off as patronizing. Really, he was just trying to say whatever he could to make me stop crying. The humiliating bullshit just made me cry more, tho'. Oh, and furthermore? He didn't even try to help me with question number 3, the only one that dealt with a real equation and a slightly more difficult chemistry concept. He just told me to go ask the lab professor (who, I know from bitter experience, isn't very good at making concepts clear to me, either). Fan-tastic.

At least the day picked up after that wretched start. I went to my hottie philosophy TA's office hours, and we had a great conversation. There's just something so self-affirming about brainy conversation with eye candy. Like, dude - I made him laugh out loud at least twice. If I'm at least witty enough to do that, I can't be a complete idiot (despite what the chemistry department might have you believe). And then I didn't bomb the quiz in Japanese for which I barely studied. And I managed to score a free newspaper. I never did manage to get that pumpkin carved this year, but no trick-or-treaters pestered us this year, either. I finished off the little pouch for my camera, complete with 2-stitch i-cord drawstring, so my size 2 dpns are free for other projects, and my camera won't get quite so battered in my bag now (pictures coming as soon as I can borrow someone else's camera - kind of hard to use my camera to take pictures of itself if it's in the pouch, eh?). If I had that project to do over again, there's a few little tweaks I'd make here and there (CO 10 sts for the width instead of 12; don't decrease at the top after making the increase to accomodate the lens cap; etc.), but overall, I'm pretty pleased with the way it turned out.

So getting back to the pill thing. Previously in my life, I've always been so frustrated when I've felt like I'm not in control of my body, when I just start crying for no real reason, or when my moods are just on a roller coaster. I'd hate it when I felt like my hormones trumped my reason, and there was nothing I could do about it. If I fell into despair or despondency, I could tell full well it was nothing more than some kind of weird hormonal shift, but knowing that didn't do anything to make me feel better, nor did my rationality afford me any measure of control over my feelings. That drove me nuts. This time, however, I'm kind of embracing it. So I'm going to be a wacko this month. So what? The sloppy messiness of my emotions just all over the place - I'll take it. It's not a good feeling, but I'm accepting it as valid enough this time around, and not trying to fight it. I figure, might as well let myself feel bad occasionally, so I don't forget in the good times how crappy the depths can get. Plus, if nothing else, it's good for freaking out my chem TAs.